all your twisted thoughts freeflow, to everlasting memories

It's win-win, lose-lose or win-lose, win-lose or lose-win, lose-win. Whichever way you prefer it. But I lose and win anyway whatsoever. She comes over and I win. I lose because my heart will get broken in the process of it all, no matter what happens. I win again because either my concious will win out or I will feel good and my id will win. But I lose. Because in the very end, I will, odds are, lose either myself or her. Or most likely, both.

and i can't stand to lose.

I do not like thee Cone of Shame.

New phone. It's kinda freakin awesome, although that could bs because I've had the KRZR for the past year and 1/2. But I really do think it's spectactular.

"I know these things sound boring, but I guess it's the boring things I remember the most." - Russell from UP!

No. Stars. Stars are romantic, beautiful, unattainable and mysterious. Much like you.

Sure As Hell

You damn yourself
With this nonsense
And sure as hell
I still love you
And as long as there's a God in Heaven
I will want you
And as long as Hell is still burning
I will want you back



I still want you back
I still want you back
I still want you back
I still want you back

Walk like a gentleman and curse like a wave; we look so good and then you threw it away.

Have you ever found yourself in a hard decision? Where one choice is wrong, and yet so good sounding? And the other, it's the smart one that will ruin your friendship?



How the hell am I supposed to do this? How do I choose between hanging with you since the first time in so many months and in that, there is stupidity and illegality? Or do I choose the right thing? And possibly lose you? It's not like I wouldn't enjoy the first option. There is so much more to push me to the 'wrong' decision. One word from you and I will do what you want. But to do so would be to go against my morals and values and honesty and conscience. You make me question myself even now. And I am too scared to say no, too scared to lose you.

Who are you now?

Distorted by a million different views, each more critical than the next, and yet still not as critical as myself. How strange.



I like to think that she scarred me forever. That she messed me up and that's why I'm the way I am. I forget that other people have contributed to the person that I am today. I forget that I reacted on her and so it was my decision just as much. But I feel like my approach to everything now is staggered with her ideas, as old and outdated and incurrent in her mind as they may be. I want to be myself, not a mix of others. I feel more myself now than ever but at the same time not at all. I'm in a terrible state of confusion.

This city's contagious

Make us; this city's contagious
Caught inside its pages,
We are leaving it all

Hate us; it'll only save us
Stronger than we came up,
We are leaving it all


















































I'm so fascinated by the concept of a huge city, of lights and darkness. I think it's beautiful. Fersure, it's a paper town, but the people aren't. And they made the city, however abject and hopeless it may seem. I love driving at night and feeling the intimate anonymity. It's beautiful.

Take me away from all that I am

The lights go down in Brooklyn,
As she's walking out the door
Oh and they're lining up like soldiers,
Going off to fight the war
And all the colors look like fireworks,
In skies she knew before

And nights can't hide the day
Then the tears roll down her face
And the light is so high, that's she's dying to say
"Just take me away"

But the fog just sits like blankets
And it's drowning out the glow
You can hear voices loud and singing out,
A song nobody knows
But to her it sounds like home

Oh the nights can't hide the day
then the tears roll down her face
and light is so high that she's dying to say
"Just take me away, from all that I am.
Just take me away, from all that I am."

Virtues

So very often, I think about what I what from you. But I guess the better question is what do you need from me? Selfishness. What an anomaly. I want to stick around long enough to hear the things you survived. I want you to want to tell me.

Love ellie

sealed my fate with her conniving sugar kissin

I miss you. You make me fly at a moment's glance. I find myself walking faster, hoping you will want to catch me. And when you don't, I slow to match you. I work to find you, to see you, but most of all, I try to keep it cool. So you won't notice that I'm only smiling at you. Only smiling because if I said what was truly on my mind, you'd leave forever.

Our words aren't absolutes. Only God is absolute.

But God is bigger than any wall. God is bigger than any religion. God is bigger than any worldview. God is bigger than the Christian faith. - Rob Bell



I'm in the incredibly difficult process of writing an application for the Governor's School for Humanities. I've had to write an essay about why I want it. Made me think of religion. I'm also reading a book titled Velvet Elvis. It's amazing. I love it. It says so much about Christianity and what others say. The new perspective that it offers makes me reel when I read it. I have to read it over to understand it. It's amazing. It's so incredibly profound. The way I looked at Christianity was so different yesterday than now. I am in love with my God now. So in love. But the thing of it is, not only do I have a different way to view things, but I have learned. And so it has changed my perspective of Him. I've learned different things about the history of the people who talked with my God. I'm able to better understand the circumstances under which the authors were writing. And I love it!

More later. Ellie

And jealousy's the cousin, the cousin of greed

If our skin pigmentation was based on our mood, I would be green in and out of every day. I'm always catching myself with this jealous mindset. Over PEOPLE of all things. Jealous of the love they get, the time, the attention. This leads to me trying to make a ridiculous amount of plans and being clingy. And I don't wanna be clingy. I took a personality test. My weaknesses: spacey, smothering, and overly sensual. And I don't want it to be true. But I don't know how to let go. I don't know where the line is between a jerk and clingy. Pondering for now though. More later?

I'm either a super jerk. Or super clingy. And it's awful because I can't find that perfect medium. Help me?

More than the moon. More than the sun. More than even the stars.

I can hear dogs howling at the moon. I wish you felt that same attentive passion for me. I want for you to look at me in a way that makes me want to rip open my chest for you and show you my heart and my wounds. I want you to want to know me. But I'm not saying this right now because I don't want you to think I'm weak. But I think you hang the moon. That is how I feel. When I look at you, it's all I can do to hold in my smile so I don't look like a complete and total idiot everytime I look at you. You've changed so much since I've met you, but I love it.

trying new trends

i'm going to try this, this blogging. i'm tired of having to think my thoughts and scatter them on bits of paper.

i'm scared as hell. i'm not getting anything done in my life. i slack with a determination akin to that of a drowning man only kicking with his feet: just enough to get by and survive. i did my chemistry for the first time in month. i skived off class twice today because i hadn't done my homework. i'm getting behind in my classes. i don't study. i feel like i'm working towards nothing. people always say "you have so much potential. you're so good, amazing etc... your writing is great... insert whichever phrase you like." i have a Governor's School application due this coming Monday and i haven't written any of the papers I'm supposed to be doing. i know exactly what i want to do. it's just a question of getting around to doing it. my parents are riding me so hard to do it, but they aren't reminding me. if they want me to do it so bad, why can't they keep up with my progress more thoroughly? a question for all ages. oh. another. why in the heck do people answer questions for you? cause it pisses me off. gah.

canned food drive at my school this week. it makes my heart ache. i love the feeling of giving money, or anything really. my parents won't give. they think that we're only doin it to beat the other clases. but that's just a side-reward. i want people to eat. i love the feeling of accomplishing something, finishing something.

like this post.

arthurian essay to write.

all my lovin'

ellie