Words I Should've Said

You. You completely and totally screwed my over. So where the hell is your ten page apology letter to me? Saying you're sorry not just for messing me up for, possibly, permanently but for the after affects, the shock waves.

I take back my apology. I believe I have every right to be angry with you. I shouldn't have brought anything up about that at all. It is not my place to be sorry about any of this. You don't deserve my apology and now I can't even tell you this because you would just try to work it out with me. And I REFUSE to do that, ever again. You screwed with two of my major friendships, that hadn't even started til after I met you. I am so mad at you.

I might have done some things I'm not proud of, that was what Sammi wanted to know about. And I didn't tell her, sure. But I wouldn't have even brought it up if I hadn't first wanted to drop it off on you. She reminded me so much of you, all GOD and naïveté rolled into a nice little blonde sarcastic package. Busy. Working. All the time. Good smile, cute laugh. Awkward. Can take me on, gets intimate quick. And so SCREW YOU. Because I might not have messed this one up if you hadn't gone and thrown me out the window.

I know you're married. I know you're in school. I know you're working. I know you're busy. But a warning would have been appreciated, to say the very least. Sit me down, tell me like an adult. Don't lose me in the crowd. You might as well send me a postcard and tell me I'm unimportant. Well, actually, you did worse than that. You left me to figure that out for myself. And I hate you for it. You will never have my trust back. EVER.

And I'll tell you this too. Riane is ten times the friend that you will ever be.

You have never apologized to me. The most you gave me was a friend request and a message. How about a phone call? Where the hell are your guts, your integrity, your spine?

So I am done. I am better than you. Because I will let go of you and I will never look back. And I will learn from your mistake the lesson that you never learned. I will not screw people over like this. I will give them an explanation, I will give them dignity. I won't leave them standing in the middle of the road bewildered.

dear wall in my room,

i'm sorry i have punched you so many times. i feel like i've been let down. so i took it out on you. thanks for being supportive anyway.

love me

it's raining

I'm not worried anymore. Strange to think that the girl who wrote all that, we were the same person.



but when i lie in bed at night, i become her.

the smashing of the vase

I'll hold you when you want to break.

dear best friend(s),

i don't want you to leave me.

i'm enough of a pickle as it is.

love, me

it's kinda a nice feeling not writing pathetic sentences that undermine my self confidence.

I just feel like right now, i am constantly under this weight of knowing that some tremendous number of my friends will be leaving me.

i hate it

finding so much beauty in dirt

you know, i think you changed the way i see myself.

i'm not sure if it was for better or for worse.

Don't go.

i'm gonna miss you like mad.

do you know that moment, when you are watching someone come back to themselves? not the long one, where it's a work in progress, but when you can see it happen right before your eyes? the glimmer returns and their face lights up?

i love that.

it's almost like proof that there is something bigger than us. because we can't turn that light on inside us by ourselves. or when we can read it. where one moment, the sky is about to fall in and then the sun is shining brightly.

they were lost, and then found.

Maybe I'm just scared, scared to let you go

Funnily enough, it seems like I used this to talk to you except it doesn't matter because you'll never find/read this. So I guess this is just for me. I miss you, but now I know that this isn't the result of you ignoring me. Our paths just don't cross anymore. We're star-crossed.

Dear Friends, these are the best years of our lives

i'm over you. in this instant, at least. there are so many more important people, things, ideas, feelings, events than you or me. life, this world, they are so much bigger than i could even imagine. all of my thoughts about you, this swallows them infintesimally. i have found the one who makes me forget and accept. i think i'm going to be okay. my focus, my paradigm has shifted, and it's good. it's a process, but well worth it.
thank you for some of the best sentiments i've ever made and the most self-loathing i've ever encountered. i now have to work on love. i hope, i know it will surpass this confusion and hatred by miles, and eons, and millenia, and all other forms of ridiculously long measurements.

Grace is at your back, turn around

I didn't know that I knew what I was getting myself into.

Title and Registration

They always say that there's this one big moment in your life. The one that makes you or breaks you. That one that your would-be therapist would call the turning point. I never believed that. Life, to me, was just this flow, and the little things would add up eventually. That those would land you at 'this is you' and it was just some progression like weaning yourself off a drug. I believed this for a long time. When I was younger of course I wasn't this philosophical or analytical. That came with age and. I suppose I was too young to be thinking like that but I was subconciously. And then. It happened. It felt huge. It was an elephant sitting on my chest. On my life, my perceptions, beliefs. I was crushed under the oppresive weight of what I'd done, and more importantly what it meant. And I could never really think it out straight because, to you, it never happened. I never thought it would affect me, outside of my emotions. I was wrong. Now I'm having to face this again, and every action of my mind is riddled with you

731 days after

death cab is good, maybe even excellent

730 days after

when you take back your stuff, or give me mine back, i feel like i'm losing you

"i know, things aren't quite like what they used to be"

"people's brains stop working when they think they're gonna lose someone they love."